Tonight I’m Not a Rock ’N’ Roll Star
“Tonight, I’m A Rock ’N’ Roll Star” sang Liam Gallagher in 1994, back when Oasis were new and exciting and not charging £300 plus for tickets. Me, I’m not a rock and roll star, tonight or any other night, or even in the day time. In fact, I’m about as far from rock and roll as a person can get. I’m a middle-aged accountant with kids and a mortgage, no particular musical ability and a terrible singing voice.
Could it all have been different though? Back in my early teenage years, I used to hang out at a friend’s house. We would blast out Nirvana and Oasis at the loudest volume we could get away with and sing along. He was pretty much the only person I would sing in front of. I was terrified of the idea of singing live in front of an audience, or appearing on stage at all, and had spent my young life trying to avoid it. My friend, however, had not. He was a lot my confident than U was, or at least I assumed so, as he decided to form a band. He could play some fairly basic guitar, we had another friend who owned a bass, and they managed to find a younger kid who was actually a competent drummer. None of them particularly wanted to be the singer, but my friend, as the person who started the band, took on the responsibility. I can’t remember if it was ever discussed that I should join the band, but if it was, I would have rejected the idea out of hand.
Their first gig, such as it was, was at a house party. After they ramshackled their way through a couple of Nirvana songs, my friend passed me the mike and asked me to get up on stage (by which I mean move to the area of the living room where the band was set up) and take over the vocals for a version of ‘Supersonic’. This was partly because I could do a slightly more passable Gallagher impersonation than him, but mostly because I was the only one who actually knew all the words. Would I take advantage of this unexpected opportunity, to take the first tiny steps towards being a rock ’n’ roll star?
No, of course not. I was still much too shy and awkward to even consider the idea. It was the first and only time that anyone ever asked me to be in a band, and for many years I never doubted that choice. I took me until my very late teens before I started to shed my shyness, and it was my late Twenties before I was anywhere close to comfortable in my own skin. I still didn’t enjoy the idea of performing or speaking in front of a crowd at all, but had to get used to a little through delivering presentations at work, and making a speech at my wedding. And in recent years, I have occasionally thought about that time when I had the opportunity to be a lead singer, for one song at least.
Was it a Sliding Doors moment? Could I have done it? I think in all likelihood I would have not enjoyed the experience, but I kind of wish I had at least tried. As noted, I am not at all a good singer. But then, lots of great frontmen and women are not great singers in the traditional sense. Look at John Lydon or Kathleen Hanna, or Jeffrey Lewis. Even legends like Neil Young and Bob Dylan have voices that a lot people find weird or grating. Could I have found a voice that worked for me? Could I have found the confidence to regularly perform in front of an audience?
As the magic 8 ball likes to say, all evidence points to no, but I occasionally like to imagine what it would have been like. I spent such a big part of my life lacking in confidence, so I like to think of an alternate timeline where I had a bit of swagger, or could at least cover my shyness up. Most of all though, I regret not being involved in the creation of music. I’ve spent 30+ years with music being one of the most important things in my life, but have never been involved in creating it myself. I feel that maybe I’ve missed out on that joy that creating and performing brings.
I may not be a rock and roll star, and whilst it’s nice to ponder how things could have been different, especially for those parts of my life where I wasn’t at my happiest, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m happy with how my life turned out. I may not be a rock and roll star, and I never will be (even the concept of a rock and roll star is outdated at this point). I’m still here though and there’s nothing to stop me singing or making music. A few years ago I even finally performed on stage, at my favourite venue no less. I may not be a rock n roll star, but the world is still full of possibilities.
Originally published at http://markjwray.com on September 24, 2024.
